REWIND!

I really wish that I had started this blog on the day that we found out about Audrey's impairment. I would love to look back and read that post to see how far we've (I've) really come. Don't get me wrong, I still have days when sadness overwhelms me but for the most part, I've come to terms with this challenge.

The day of the first audiogram. A day that changed my life forever. I remember feeling frustrated with Audrey when she wouldn't clap at the beep or point to the correct picture. I thought that she was just being difficult, when really, she couldn't hear the beep or the audiologist say the word. And then the technician told me that Audrey has significant hearing loss that is uncurable and she will need to wear hearing aids for the rest of her life. I just sat there and smiled and said "ok". No biggie. At least I know why she's been behaving so strangely. In hindsight, I know that my mind was in shock and this was my way of coping with the devastating news.

Then I got home. Then it hit me. Like a truck.  My child was hearing impaired. Over the next few days the enormity of challenges that were to come became more visible. The medical system. The school. The finance. The paperwork. The appointments. It all became too much for me to wrap my head around...nevermind the fact that my child has a disability that will be with her for the rest of her life and we don't know what is causing it/has caused it/ if it is getting worse...

I cried. A LOT. More than a lot. I grieved for the loss of the dream that I had for my child. This might sound dramatic to some. But unless you've been told that your child has a severe disability (yes, it is a severe disability even though she is not in a wheelchair and I know it could be worse) you don't know what this feels like. After speaking with some Moms who have been through the same or a similar experience, I learned that what I  was feeling was normal and a very predictable stage. Once I knew that this was a normal stage, I passed on to the next one....

Denial. I thought, there has to be something wrong with the audiogram. Especially since her pattern of hearing loss was so unique (identical loss in both ears). I HAD to get her a second audiogram. Right away!!! The ENT explained to me that the test was, infact, very accurate and thorough.

So. great. now what? How am I supposed to deal with this? I have a 3 month old baby to take care of! I'm not sleeping at night! I want to enjoy my baby! But how can I with all of this crap to deal with?!? I became ANGRY. Why me? Why my kid? Why not the bratty or bully kid? This isn't fair!! Yep, u guessed it...I progressed onto the next stage.

So, I made it through grief, denial and anger, and here I am. I'm in the "do whatever the eff it takes for my girl to have every opportunity available to her so that she can lead a fullfilling life".

I still  find myself occassionally visiting the other stages but I don't fight it. I'm letting myself feel what it wants to feel.